Today I continue with the book study Behind Those Eyes by Lisa Whittle 
and hosted by Leila at Write from the Heart. Words in blue are quotes from Lisa's book.
This week's chapter is entitled ‘Ms Confidence’. I began reading this chapter with an attitude of there is nothing here for me because I am not ‘Ms Confidence’. I usually tend to be insecure and am highly uncomfortable in unfamiliar situations. Being overly confident is not my issue, or is it?
Confidence according to Webster’s is a feeling or consciousness of one's powers or of reliance on one's circumstances. I did not believe I did this at all UNTIL I read the following excerpt from Lisa’s book.
Aggravated by my lack of conversation, Scotty began to try to engage me in an argument to get some sort of reaction out of me. “Man! Why are you so stubborn, Lisa? You don’t care about me, do you?” I could see his face starting to redden, and his eyes were beginning to get watery. I desperately wanted to reach out to him and share my feelings. I wanted to, but I just wouldn’t let myself. I sat there with a coldness that scared even me, and I remained silent. Then all at once, something inside of me broke. The dam that had been holding back my tears suddenly wasn’t keeping them contained any longer.
“I am so sorry, honey,” I said, sobbing. “I have been so strong for such a long time that I don’t know how to be weak. I love you. And Scotty, I need you.” A sense of calm came over me as I reach for my husband, and we held each other tight. … God had revealed to me that though I had great strength and could handle many things, I had a vulnerability problem.
That did it. A vulnerablility problem! Vulnerable! Why, oh why, God do you want me to be vulnerable? Why do I have to allow others to see my weaknesses? I am not overly confident but I play a great role in my attempts to make others believe that I am.
Ms Confidence is often so afraid of rejection ~ either because of past hurts or past experiences ~ that she prefers to stay in her confident shell and not let the soft side of her emerge.
I have lived this life. I have been rejected. I have been hurt, terribly, and I don't want to be hurt anymore. I have not cried in more than 5 years. I have had to be strong and carry the weight of a spouses’ illness, a child’s disabilities and another child’s drug and alcohol habits along with some other extremely painful events over the past several years. Some of these things are better now but I still remain the strong one.
Lisa’s challenge question is this: Is it hard for you to admit your vulnerabilities to others? To God? Why?
Three simple words can answer these three questions:
Yes!
Yes!
Pride!
What an ugly, awful five letter word. I don’t want to admit it but it’s true.
Pride keeps me from being vulnerable. It’s easy for me to be vulnerable on my blog with people who don’t know me and whom I will probably never meet but with my husband, my family, my friends, church members, and God, well that’s a different story. They see me, they would judge me if they really knew me and that would lead to being rejected and hurt. To allow them to know that my heart aches and that sometimes I just don’t want to be the strong one would be too difficult for me.
A woman’s pride brings her low, but a woman of lowly spirit gains honor.
Proverbs 29:23
Deep within the recessed of my heart I am desperate for someone to just hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. Under the exterior of confidence is a soft, warm, compassionate, loving friend who is just now trying to find her way out of the fortress which pride has built.
As I write, I am becoming more authentic while allowing my weaknesses to be accessed in new ways. My heart is pliable and being transformed by the very hands that created it. I have been brought low because of my pride and now my spirit cries out for humility. I fall to my knees in humble worship of my God who has been so merciful and gracious to me.
“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are ~ yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:15-16
This is the confidence God bestows upon us.
True confidence comes from only one source ~ an inside Source ~ and it cannot be bought, sold, put on, or manufactured.
Father, I thank you for the true confidence you have given to me. A confidence in knowing I am your daughter and You love me no matter what I do. A confidence to be able to come to You with the truth no matter what it is. A confidence to trust You no matter what I face. A confidence which allows me to BE exactly who You created me to be.
Confidence according to Webster’s is a feeling or consciousness of one's powers or of reliance on one's circumstances. I did not believe I did this at all UNTIL I read the following excerpt from Lisa’s book.
Aggravated by my lack of conversation, Scotty began to try to engage me in an argument to get some sort of reaction out of me. “Man! Why are you so stubborn, Lisa? You don’t care about me, do you?” I could see his face starting to redden, and his eyes were beginning to get watery. I desperately wanted to reach out to him and share my feelings. I wanted to, but I just wouldn’t let myself. I sat there with a coldness that scared even me, and I remained silent. Then all at once, something inside of me broke. The dam that had been holding back my tears suddenly wasn’t keeping them contained any longer.
“I am so sorry, honey,” I said, sobbing. “I have been so strong for such a long time that I don’t know how to be weak. I love you. And Scotty, I need you.” A sense of calm came over me as I reach for my husband, and we held each other tight. … God had revealed to me that though I had great strength and could handle many things, I had a vulnerability problem.
That did it. A vulnerablility problem! Vulnerable! Why, oh why, God do you want me to be vulnerable? Why do I have to allow others to see my weaknesses? I am not overly confident but I play a great role in my attempts to make others believe that I am.
Ms Confidence is often so afraid of rejection ~ either because of past hurts or past experiences ~ that she prefers to stay in her confident shell and not let the soft side of her emerge.
I have lived this life. I have been rejected. I have been hurt, terribly, and I don't want to be hurt anymore. I have not cried in more than 5 years. I have had to be strong and carry the weight of a spouses’ illness, a child’s disabilities and another child’s drug and alcohol habits along with some other extremely painful events over the past several years. Some of these things are better now but I still remain the strong one.
Lisa’s challenge question is this: Is it hard for you to admit your vulnerabilities to others? To God? Why?
Three simple words can answer these three questions:
Yes!
Yes!
Pride!
What an ugly, awful five letter word. I don’t want to admit it but it’s true.
Pride keeps me from being vulnerable. It’s easy for me to be vulnerable on my blog with people who don’t know me and whom I will probably never meet but with my husband, my family, my friends, church members, and God, well that’s a different story. They see me, they would judge me if they really knew me and that would lead to being rejected and hurt. To allow them to know that my heart aches and that sometimes I just don’t want to be the strong one would be too difficult for me.
A woman’s pride brings her low, but a woman of lowly spirit gains honor.
Proverbs 29:23
Deep within the recessed of my heart I am desperate for someone to just hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. Under the exterior of confidence is a soft, warm, compassionate, loving friend who is just now trying to find her way out of the fortress which pride has built.
As I write, I am becoming more authentic while allowing my weaknesses to be accessed in new ways. My heart is pliable and being transformed by the very hands that created it. I have been brought low because of my pride and now my spirit cries out for humility. I fall to my knees in humble worship of my God who has been so merciful and gracious to me.
“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are ~ yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:15-16
This is the confidence God bestows upon us.
True confidence comes from only one source ~ an inside Source ~ and it cannot be bought, sold, put on, or manufactured.
Father, I thank you for the true confidence you have given to me. A confidence in knowing I am your daughter and You love me no matter what I do. A confidence to be able to come to You with the truth no matter what it is. A confidence to trust You no matter what I face. A confidence which allows me to BE exactly who You created me to be.
Considering It All Joy,
Cindy
PS: Please join me in wishing my beautiful niece Amberlyn a happy 28th birthday. Amberlyn, I know you are in the beginning stages of labor and will soon be delivering your second child. Happy Birthday! I am praying for you and I cannot wait to meet Baby Z!!!!
Cindy,
ReplyDeleteI loved this post so much and felt your authenticity...as you shared your heart...from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. I truly got chills when I read it! I so relate to you and your struggle with vulnerability! It's interesting -- several women in the WEd. night class said the same thing..."oh, I can take a pass on this chapter because I am not confident at all" but then they realized through reading and discussion that they were, in fact, on some level!
I am so blessed by your willingness to "go there" and get real. I cannot tell you how much this post touched my heart. But know that it did.
On the journey with you!
Lisa :)
ngThanks for sharing - I can relate. I too thought this chapter had nothing to do with me as it seems I've been everything but confident. But how wrong I was!! Thanks for sharing from your heart and doing exactly what this book is calling us to do. Keep walking the walk, Jill
ReplyDeleteI too am becoming more authentic and have fears about being vulnerable with those around me. Thanks for sharing. Connie
ReplyDeletePerhaps this blog will allow you to become a more "vulnerable" person. Your posts are always so well thought-out and so authentic. You don't come across as guarded, but as a very real person who is honest about sharing her struggles.
ReplyDeletePerhaps through revealing yourself to us in the blogosphere, you'll eventually become comfortable revealing more of yourself to the loved ones around you. I think that's important. But what's most important is that you are authentic with God, and in that regard, it sounds like you're perfectly on track!
Cindy - I am not doing this study, I came over to thank you for stopping by. But I cannot leave without commenting on all you had to say. It is a passion of mine to see women break free from that lie that can't be vulnerable in front of people that they "know". It is such a lie. I'm glad you are seeing it for what it is. My heart breaks that you have not cried in 5 years. Not that I want you to cry...but you know what I mean. Through your authenticity it will allow others to share their struggles. As a "stranger" to you, I can tell you that you would never find judgment here. Not one of us needs to pretend we have it all togther, because that truly is a lie.
ReplyDeleteYour life has definitely held many trials that I can't even begin to imagine. You sound like an amazing woman. It also sounds like God is leading you on a path of letting yourself off the hook.
Love,
Sheryl
Friend, I have been there. Being vulnerable is no picnic. Especially when you have had to hide any weakness just to get by in the past! I admire your open heart, Cindy. God molds us a little bit at a time, but it's still hard!
ReplyDeleteThis book has been a blessing to me, as I hope so to you.
:) Laura
Cindy,
ReplyDeleteWhen reading your post, so much of it was like reading my own that I feel like I know your heart.
Thank you for your vulnerability.
It is scary to be vulnerable, and it hurts to be rejected...I know too!
You are not alone on this journey.
OK...regarding the flea market - any time you want to make a trip to Dallas, you can stay with me and we will go to Canton. Say the word, I would love to take you! I can tell by your blog I would love to spend time with you.
I look forward to reading more and learning together.
Blessings,
Liz
What a great post Cindy. It is really neat that you allowed God to show you that you have a problem with vulnerability.
ReplyDeleteThe statement that you had not cried in over 5 years... that really hit me. I am a person that can cry over anything. I am convinced that crying cleans out my soul, so I usually just let it rip.
Continue of your journey. I am so glad that I am on it too.
Lynn
Cindy,
ReplyDeleteThis was great! I don't know what I'd do without the confidence God has given me. I'm naturally hard on myself and I have found such freedom in him!
Oh girl, you dug deep with this one. I could SOOOO relate. Thank you for sharing your sweet and precious heart!
ReplyDeleteI have enjoyed reading your blog over the past few weeks...because I know God is speaking to your heart and He is bringing you closer...yeah! May you know if He asks you to be vulnerable...its because He wants to bring you somewhere great...to Him!
ReplyDeletePraying for you today Cindy as a mom, wife and friend knowing God gives you the strength for you to face your day!
Hi Cindy,
ReplyDeleteI just had lunch with you and enjoyed myself so much. I think we are kindred hearts.
We can work on that pride and vulnerability thing together, ok?
Hope to see you again soon, Lee
Cindy,
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurt when I heard you haven't cried for 5 years. I don't like that part of the vulnarbility, I tend to do my crying deep in the night in the dark when I'm alone with God. I understand that fear of letting people see me cry and not be strong.
Thank you for sharing that you are afraid with being vulnarable. It's hard, I know God's been working on me too. Thankfully you have found a place that you can be open and share your heart and your hurts.
Carol
I wanted to come by and visit. Your are a beautiful person and I love you. I thank you for holding my hand through this journey.
ReplyDeletelove Cindy
Cindy~
ReplyDeleteThank-you sweet friend for this amazing post. God bless you for your open and honest heart.
Remember...Jesus LOVES you, and he will hold you in his arms...you DON'T have to be strong for him!!!
Vulnerability isn't easy, and often painful...but off so necessary.
Cindy,
ReplyDeleteYour honesty about struggling with pride,I can so relate.
When I first read this chapter I thought,well at least there's one thing I don't need work on...so not true.
Thank you for your willingness to share.
Cindy,
ReplyDeleteI loved your words. I wish that I could hold you and tell you that everything would be okay. But I can't, one because I can not reach you, and two, because it would not be the truth. God is growing and changing each of us in this study. And part of the growing, is that the way gets narrower that we are called to walk, and there is not as much room for all the baggage we are draging behind. So we have to let stuff go. I am so with you on this sister, I am praying for you and your family.
Sallye
Cindy, this was very beautiful. I loved your honesty of sharing. I believe that helps other woman put down their guard and be real.
ReplyDeleteVery beautiful.
Blessings,
Lelia
P.S. Happy Birthday Amberlyn and happy birth day when you have your baby!!!! I love new life. :)