The Truth is The Truth

So, here I am at the end of day 8 of my husband's hospitalization. Lonely is a word I do not use often but am certainly feeling it tonight. It is difficult to be here with nobody to discuss my questions with.

It seems after 8 days of testing the docs would have some sort of consensus as to the cause of his 'big' pneumonia. Big is what they keep calling it. Double pneumonia with severe on the right side. But as of yet, they have found no bacteria, fungus or mold. No specific cause.

So we press on, holding on to hope of an answer and a medication that will make the 'big' pneumonia go away for good. We have been struggling with this since his hospitalization in June. Nearly four months - no wonder I feel so tired and overwhelmed.

Speaking of me:) Several people have mentioned that they think I am disconnected and they are concerned about me! I love 'em!

Real live honesty is to follow:

7 1/2 years ago when hubby was diagnosed with end stage renal failure and placed on dialysis, I vowed to be strong and trust in the Lord. 6 months after his diagnosis while attending a very intimate/small leadership meeting at our church I broke. Our small group had been meeting for nearly a year on a monthly basis and had become very close. At that meeting I was asked how I was doing and I began to cry. I had been so strong but on this night I just let the 6 months of tears flow. Well, I was rebuked for that and told it was inappropriate to cry. I have really not cried since.

We no longer attend that church but something deep within me went into survival mode and I have lived there ever since. I do not cry nor do I show much emotion. Oh, but I feel it!!! Deep within the recesses of my soul there is enough emotion to fill an ocean more than once.

Am I disconnected? Good question! The answer - NO! I am quite connected, in fact maybe too connected to the pain, fear, exhaustion, loneliness, and concern for our familys' future. But I have 'learned' to be stoic and put on a super brave front. I've attempted at times to break the walls and let some vulnerability show but the tears and worried face do not have room in my over protected front!

But the truth of the matter is that I am a real woman with real concerns and real fears. I am concerned that I may in fact lose my husband to whatever is eating his body. I am concerned as to how to raise and care for my 25 year old disabled son who needs me. I worry about the fact that in November we will no longer have medical insurance. How will we afford hubby's medications let alone all these hospital bills which have now surpassed the 100's of thousands of dollars since June. Insurance covers 50-80% right now but in November we won't have it at all. Do I worry? Yes!

I also carry concerns about my husband's emotional state and making sure he doesn't get depressed. This is not easy on him either. I desire to nuture, care for and love him but mostly all I can do is sit and watch. Watch him sleep, watch him struggle to talk and breath, watch his body waste away, watch, watch, watch.

And because I am real and a woman, there is a part of me that desires to be nurtured, cared for and loved on, yet there is just nobody nor time for that. If it was my child who was ill I'm sure the response of others would be different. But since it is my hubby people just don't respond the same way. Have you ever noticed that? Why is it that when someone has an ill child blogland goes crazy with support or even a woman with cancer yet when a woman's husband is fighting for his life, it's like blogland abandons you! Just askin' - told you - I'm tired and lonely!

Anyway, I am definitely NOT disconnected from the realities of my life. I just don't know how to live any other way except to put on a brave front and trust my Jesus for each and every breath.

Sorry if this was a downer post, but the truth is the truth.

Considering Finding Joy in this Season a Little Tough,
Cindy