He Worships.....

I would be untruthful if I told you that I am doing well these days and weeks after Mark's death. I would also be untruthful if I told you it was easy to go to church and worship my creator. Truth be told, it is unbelievably difficult to do such! Spending time in church, attempting to plaster on a smile and make like everything is ok is hard enough, but singing and lifting my hands in praise and worship of my creator just now is nearly impossible.

In these painful days every movement needs to be thought out and forcibly made. Nothing comes naturally anymore. Every function is a chore! Some days are a little easier than others, but each is painfully hard.

Today was no different! In fact the migraine that consumed my head caused me near embarrassment in the grocery store as I had to sit down and ask my son to go get medication for me and a cup of water. I was sweaty, pale as a ghost and ready to puke my guts out! Fortunately, I was able to calm down, get the pain under some control and make it home before I passed out!

However, I have to admit that God is giving me moments to cherish and today I also had one of those! During worship service at church today, in my attempt to move beyond my feelings and worship God, I received a sweet vision of my hubby. No, I didn't see anything real; it was just a picture in my head, a knowing in my spirit!

The Lord helped to remind me that we are all created to Worship Him! And on this particular morning He showed me how my Mark is standing before God Himself Worshiping! How precious was that picture! My hubby, no pain, no weakness, no inhibitions, standing before His Creator with arms lifted higher than life itself, just worshiping! For just a few moments today, I was able to lift my hands in praise and worship with no pain, no weakness, no inhibitions and Worship my Creator too!

It felt Great!

He Worships ... and so shall I!

Considering Worship With Hope,

Cindy

If At First...

I'm quite sure you have heard the saying: "If at first you don't succeed try, try again"

Well, I believe something similar will become a mantra for me over the next year as I will face many firsts in this new 'normal' in which God has placed me.

There are so many things that I will have to face for the first time alone and without my life partner. As the numbness wares off I will begin to recognize those firsts like sleeping alone, going to church, watching a certain program, facing birthdays, holidays and family events. These are the things I am dreading and find myself wanting to just retreat from life. Yet I read the following words and hear God speak to my heart.

Soon after our Lord and Savior was crucified scripture gives us these words:

"On the evening of that first day of the week, when the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said, 'Peace be with you!'" John 20:19

You see, after Jesus was gone, the disciples became filled with fear! In fact, they were so fearful they locked themselves behind closed doors! The possibilities of their fear are numerous, many say they feared the Jews, possibly fear of their own mortality now that their leader was gone...you can go on and on but the point is that they were fearful.

When Jesus rose from His grave He came to those whom he had lived with and loved for several years and His first words were: Peace be with you! Can you imagine the confusion and Joy in which those disciples must have felt at that moment? It is possible that part of them were questioning whether this was truly Jesus and part of them wanting to rejoice in His presence.

Today marks the 4 week point since my hubby's passing and I must admit there have been many moments when I have become filled with fear. Retreating to my bed under the covers has been a daily thought! Hibernation sounds great! Turning off the lights and phones seems all too comforting just now.

Yet in the words that Jesus spoke to His disciples all those 2000+ years ago...I find HOPE!!

A Hope that I do not have to live in fear and that I am not alone in my weakness. Because believe me friends, I. AM. WEAK!!!!

Yet, in my weakness He is strong!! For that I am truly grateful!

So, if at first I don't succeed in my grieving process, I will try again until I am trusting in my God to do it with me!

Considering God's Presence and Peace with Joy,

Cindy

Didn't You Know???

Didn't you know how terribly sad I would be when you died?

Didn't you know that I would wonder why you didn't tell me so I could hold your hand as you met Jesus face to face?

Didn't you know how hard the days and nights would become for us?

Didn't you know how much you would be missed?

Didn't you know, as you lay there alone that morning, how that would haunt me for the rest of my life? I so would have held your hand and told you how much I love you!

Didn't you know how many tears would be shed in your absence?

Didn't you know that Everything would change?

Didn't you know that I could never again watch football, Nascar, Barrett/Jackson, or bull-riding without melting into a ball of tears?

Didn't you know that when I looked at Farmville it just would never hold the same crazy appeal it used to because you were not on the other side sending me gifts or funny notes?

Didn't you know how hard it would be for your family to walk in to church and raise their hands in praise to our God when you were gone?

Didn't you know that even the smallest tasks would become overwhelming, making them nearly impossible to complete?

Didn't you know the loneliness we would each feel?

Didn't you know how hard it was going to be to prepare for another horse show? I can't imagine yet we have to prepare for the next one in February.

Didn't you know how much I wanted you to be a part of your granddaughter's lives? It makes me so sad to think they won't know their Papa!

Didn't you know that I would want to scream my head off but can only cry?

Mark, didn't you know how much I loved you and how much I would miss you and how sad I am that you didn't tell me you were dying? I wanted to be with you!!! Why didn't you tell me?? WHY??????

Didn't You Know ???

The Life I Did Not Ask For...

And so it is a new life...a new normal...a new routine...a new beginning...and I didn't ask for it!!!

I did not ask to be a widow or a single parent...

I did not ask to sleep alone at night...

I did not ask to have to un-decorate Christmas and put it away alone...for in doing so I will never take those decorations out with the same love, same excitement or same joy as I have for the past thirty years...

I did not ask to have to learn to shop, prepare and cook differently...

I did not ask to never again launder my husband's clothing...

I did not ask to look at a death certificate with hubby's name on it...because in doing so it makes it all too real...

I did not ask to feel so sad...

I did not ask to be the only one to clean the pool, pick up dog messes, water plants, or mow the lawn...

I did not ask for empty arms that long to hug him just one more time for in the longing I only find brokenness...

I did not ask to have to worry about maintaining a home...

I did not ask to have to wrestle with old autos and break downs...

I did not ask for my heart to be broken, my mind to be fuzzy, and my eyes to be weepy or my pillow to be stained with tears for in these things the reality of what lies ahead seems overwhelmingly comfortless...

I did not ask for mounds of paperwork that must be attended to...

I did not ask to do it all...

I did not ask for my phone to go silent because friends don't want to interrupt...if they only knew the loneliness...

Yet and still at the end of the day...who am I to complain or question those things which I did not ask for when I know that before the world began this season was preordained by my creator...

You see...one thing I have learned is that God's Word is Truth and His Truth shall set me free...Free of guilt, shame, fear and sadness...

His Word has also taught me this...

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. ALL the days ordained for me were written in your book Before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:13-16

The events of the past three weeks did not take God by surprise...it did me...but not Him...

If it didn't take Him by surprise I have to come to a place where I believe He has a plan which is far greater than me eyes can see or my heart can fathom...

I will have bad days...I will be sad...My heart is broken...you do not live with the love of your life for 30 years and then wake up fine when they are gone...

Yet, "I lift up my eyes to the hills---where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2

So, this may not be the Life I Asked For but it is the Life I Have Been Handed...

I will do nothing less than live it to the best of my ability in Christ...

Considering This New Life with A Broken yet Obedient Heart,
Cindy