If At First...

I'm quite sure you have heard the saying: "If at first you don't succeed try, try again"

Well, I believe something similar will become a mantra for me over the next year as I will face many firsts in this new 'normal' in which God has placed me.

There are so many things that I will have to face for the first time alone and without my life partner. As the numbness wares off I will begin to recognize those firsts like sleeping alone, going to church, watching a certain program, facing birthdays, holidays and family events. These are the things I am dreading and find myself wanting to just retreat from life. Yet I read the following words and hear God speak to my heart.

Soon after our Lord and Savior was crucified scripture gives us these words:

"On the evening of that first day of the week, when the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said, 'Peace be with you!'" John 20:19

You see, after Jesus was gone, the disciples became filled with fear! In fact, they were so fearful they locked themselves behind closed doors! The possibilities of their fear are numerous, many say they feared the Jews, possibly fear of their own mortality now that their leader was gone...you can go on and on but the point is that they were fearful.

When Jesus rose from His grave He came to those whom he had lived with and loved for several years and His first words were: Peace be with you! Can you imagine the confusion and Joy in which those disciples must have felt at that moment? It is possible that part of them were questioning whether this was truly Jesus and part of them wanting to rejoice in His presence.

Today marks the 4 week point since my hubby's passing and I must admit there have been many moments when I have become filled with fear. Retreating to my bed under the covers has been a daily thought! Hibernation sounds great! Turning off the lights and phones seems all too comforting just now.

Yet in the words that Jesus spoke to His disciples all those 2000+ years ago...I find HOPE!!

A Hope that I do not have to live in fear and that I am not alone in my weakness. Because believe me friends, I. AM. WEAK!!!!

Yet, in my weakness He is strong!! For that I am truly grateful!

So, if at first I don't succeed in my grieving process, I will try again until I am trusting in my God to do it with me!

Considering God's Presence and Peace with Joy,

Cindy