And so it is a new life...a new normal...a new routine...a new beginning...and I didn't ask for it!!!
I did not ask to be a widow or a single parent...
I did not ask to sleep alone at night...
I did not ask to have to un-decorate Christmas and put it away alone...for in doing so I will never take those decorations out with the same love, same excitement or same joy as I have for the past thirty years...
I did not ask to have to learn to shop, prepare and cook differently...
I did not ask to never again launder my husband's clothing...
I did not ask to look at a death certificate with hubby's name on it...because in doing so it makes it all too real...
I did not ask to feel so sad...
I did not ask to be the only one to clean the pool, pick up dog messes, water plants, or mow the lawn...
I did not ask for empty arms that long to hug him just one more time for in the longing I only find brokenness...
I did not ask to have to worry about maintaining a home...
I did not ask to have to wrestle with old autos and break downs...
I did not ask for my heart to be broken, my mind to be fuzzy, and my eyes to be weepy or my pillow to be stained with tears for in these things the reality of what lies ahead seems overwhelmingly comfortless...
I did not ask for mounds of paperwork that must be attended to...
I did not ask to do it all...
I did not ask for my phone to go silent because friends don't want to interrupt...if they only knew the loneliness...
Yet and still at the end of the day...who am I to complain or question those things which I did not ask for when I know that before the world began this season was preordained by my creator...
You see...one thing I have learned is that God's Word is Truth and His Truth shall set me free...Free of guilt, shame, fear and sadness...
His Word has also taught me this...
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. ALL the days ordained for me were written in your book Before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:13-16
The events of the past three weeks did not take God by surprise...it did me...but not Him...
If it didn't take Him by surprise I have to come to a place where I believe He has a plan which is far greater than me eyes can see or my heart can fathom...
I will have bad days...I will be sad...My heart is broken...you do not live with the love of your life for 30 years and then wake up fine when they are gone...
Yet, "I lift up my eyes to the hills---where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2
So, this may not be the Life I Asked For but it is the Life I Have Been Handed...
I will do nothing less than live it to the best of my ability in Christ...
Considering This New Life with A Broken yet Obedient Heart,
Cindy
"I will do nothing less than to live my life for Christ as best I can!" is a exactly what He wants us to do. You are right where He wants you even though it's a hard time and not where you thought you'd be at this time. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteConnie
You are a stunning work of grace, my sister, and none of us would ask for a life rife with pain and suffering; still and yet, it comes to all of us in one form or another. Some of us, more than others. You are enduring a tremendous grief right now which will carry through for a long season. So much to consider and ponder and take in. So many tasks attached to that "taking in." I pray God's gentle hand of guidance for today (for today is really all we're required to handle), that he sorts out your thoughts, enables you to do one or two things that are most important, and some rest to come alongside.
ReplyDeleteI wish I were closer to help, but please know that you are constantly in my thoughts and my prayers abound.
peace, sweet sister...
~elaine
Cindy...you are beautiful! And you shine your Creator amazingly. To know you is to get to know God more and more. Please know that I am praying and begging our Jesus to continue to hold you...and thanking Him because I know He will! I love you! On Purpose!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and praying! (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteMy sweet friend, I ache for you as I read your words.
ReplyDeleteI wish I were down the road. I'd call you up and come over for a visit. It is hard for people to know what you want or need during this time. When someone is hurting people think that they want to be left alone, but we don't... we want others to surround us and help us find that new normal..
I'm so, so sorry....
Whenever we had childhood hurts my mother always said, "Bless your baby heart." When tragedy came, she wrapped her arms around me and whispered, "Bless you baby heart." So I leave with you the words that hugged my heart, "Bless your baby heart."
ReplyDeletePraying...
STUNNED! i have been away from the bloggy world for quite awhile and decided tonight to start catching up. it took my breath away when i started reading. first of all, i am soooo sorry! i cannot imagine your loss. i love your faith in our God but know there are many tough days ahead. you are loved. not just by your Lord but by many of us as well.
ReplyDeleteCindy, I confess that my life has overwhelmed me such that I haven't looked at any blogs in well over a year. Tonight I was preparing a Sunday School lesson for this week and happened to look back at my old blog for something and saw the old links I had on the sidebar. The link to your blog caught my eye and I clicked on it. Oh dear, Cindy, I am so sorry for your loss. I have no words other than I will be praying for you. You have been faithful to pray for me and leave me comments long after I stopped blogging with no explanation. You will see your sweet husband again in glory, though I know you will miss him on this earth. Blessings and peace to you. - Jenny (And no, I haven't started blogging again. Maybe at another time...)
ReplyDeletewow - what grace my friend! God is doing a marvelous work in you and I can't wait to see where He takes you. I love the verse in Psalm 121 - it is one of my favorite verses to cling to when I need Him most!
ReplyDeleteCindy, My heart breaks for you at the loss of your sweet husband. I have not gone through what you have and I do not know the pain you feel but have been with many other women who have.
ReplyDeleteI think you express your sorrow in such meaningful words and I think to write them down will help you and give your grief words. You can be help to someone else who has lost a mate.
Joshua 1:9 says," Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
That is my prayer for you in the coming days.
Thinking of you and praying for His comfort for you!