Something I have learned in these weeks since my hubby's passing is that I cannot do anything perfectly. I want to, yet I am incapable of such a feat.
My heart's desire is to understand this grieving process and walk through it with my head held high, my feet firmly planted in the Lord and everything in between lined up with God's Word. Despite the longings of my very fragile and overly fatigued heart I am only a human suffering the effects of loss.
Some would say I share too much, I am too transparent and maybe I should be more positive about all things! To them I say: I share the truth of my heart, I believe in honesty and for the most part I am amazingly positive yet oftentimes we learn more from the truth of our circumstances than in pretending the pain does not exist.
I am a creature bent on learning! I am also a creature of habit! My habit of 30 years of life with the same man has been altered completely and permanently. There is no turning back the clock (except for next fall) or finding a time machine to take me to another, happier time in history.
I believe it is imperative to share all that God is in the midst of trials! He is my comfort, my peace, and ever present help, my source of strength and my hope for the future! I have NO doubt in His love for me or His ability to walk me through this season.
Reality is though I am human and sometimes do, say and act in fleshly ways. Those are the realities I am sharing tonight and the truths of what Mark would be disappointed in if he were able to "watch me now".
He would be cheering me on in my walk with the Lord and encouraging me to allow a deepening relationship to develop during this season. He would also be proud of how I have ministered to our kids and granddaughters over the past 11 weeks. He would smile when I talk to him and laugh when I do 'dumb' stuff like lose my keys in the refrigerator.
He would however be disappointed in my inability to function after work. The fact that I come home and sit in a dark living room night after night and that I have become even more of a couch potato and TVaholic than I ever was before he passed! He would shutter at the amount of 'JUNK' food I consume and how much weight I have gained AND he would be saddened that I had to go to the recycle store to buy a few pair of pants because I have grown "out" of everything I own.
His heart would be grieved that I have failed to hire someone to repair the garbage disposal and leaky sink, that I have not done any yard work, mowed the lawn, pulled the weeds or removed the dead boxwoods in the front yard. He would choke if he looked at the side yard which is filled with junk, disappointed that I didn't take the time to put anything out for Bulk trash pick up this week and horrified if he saw the pool right now. (I do have someone coming tomorrow to check out the in-floor cleaning system).
His disappointment would probably show if he knew about questions I ask myself like: When do you take off your wedding ring and when do you change your status to single? How do you move forward with life and at what point do you stop crying? When does this pain in your heart soften or does it?
Never mind the disappointment he would feel if he saw how much I have let the 'cleaning' of our home go. Dust bunnies are growing by leaps and bounds! I think that black stuff in the kiddos shower is mold?!?! My shower needs to be replaced as does the wall in the bathroom now that it is deteriorating and I think little bugs are coming out of it. (Yikees and Yuck)
Some days I wish that my thought process allowed me to believe he could hear my cries to him yet I'm kind of thankful that he can't. Scripture tells us there is no more pain, tears or hurting in heaven and since he would be all of those things if he could see me now, it does my heart good to know he cannot be disappointed in my inability to move forward just now.
Yet, how disappointed is God in what I have become in these weeks since he took my hubby to heaven? The thought makes my heart sad!
Father, tonight I lift up my eyes to you! You are my strength and the giver of Hope. Your word teaches us in John 16:33 that you have already Overcome the trials that we face. In that, though I cannot see it today, I trust that there is a brighter future just beyond my earthly vision. My heart is grieving a great loss and left behind is a Huge void but also, somewhere in that vast expanse of emptiness, You Are With Me!!
Considering It All Joy,
Cindy
God is not disappointed Cindy and Mark wouldn't be either. You are too hard on yourself. It is who you are. Beat yourself up for being human. For having normal feelings and emotions. It IS OKAY to cry. No matter what has been ingrained in you in the past. You need to give yourself a break and quit trying to be the perfect widow. No one wants or expects you to. Be yourself and cry and grieve. Who do you know that has lived your life full of disappointments and pain? No one I know but you! Let yourself go through this journey and quit trying to be perfect. None of us are but Jesus!
ReplyDeleteYour Father is not disappointed in you at all. Your Father weeps alongside you. You are his beloved daughter, and he walks your pace.
ReplyDeleteI hear your pain; validate your pain, and pray for your pain.
For better days and a lighter heart... this is my hope for you, even as it is for myself.
Love you.
peace~elaine